Cultivating Connection with Your Partner: Understanding Attachment Styles and Overcoming Defense Mechanisms

Connection with ones partner can be one of the most meaningful and life giving experiences in a person’s life. But connection is not something that always comes so easily to partners, even those who love each other.

As a marriage and family therapist, I often see couples that are struggling to connect and longing for greater intimacy. These partners are often stuck in negative cycles of interaction, not showing up as they want to be, and not feeling loved and supported in ways they desire. 

A large part of the work I do with couples is to deepen each person’s understanding of their attachment styles and explore the barriers to connection that arise from their defense mechanisms or what I prefer to call safety-seeking behaviors. Essentially, we explore how one’s past is impacting how one interacts with their partner in the present.

Attachment styles, developed in early childhood, greatly influence how we relate to our romantic partners. They are essentially the blueprints for how we experience love, safety and care as well as what we find threatening and emotionally discomforting. 

Our defense mechanisms are the strategies we utilize to keep ourselves safe when we perceive a threat or some emotional discomfort. Unfortunately, they can inadvertently hinder our ability to establish and maintain a deep bond with our partners. Some common defense mechanisms I see in session are denial, avoidance and blame.

1. Denial: Denial is a defense mechanism where individuals refuse to acknowledge their own emotions or the needs of their partner. It can create emotional distance and prevent open and honest communication.
2. Avoidance: Avoidance is a protective mechanism where individuals consciously or unconsciously steer clear of emotional or vulnerable situations. This can prevent couples from addressing important issues, inhibiting growth and understanding.
3. Blame: Blaming others is a common defense mechanism that protects individuals from accepting responsibility for their actions. It creates an adversarial dynamic, eroding trust and hindering authentic connection.

Here are some strategies to promote a more profound and fulfilling connection and to increase ones sense of safety within the relationship:

1. Cultivate Self-Awareness: Reflect on your own attachment style and defense mechanisms. Understand how they impact your interactions and be open to personal growth and change.
2. Open Communication: Establish a safe and non-judgmental environment for open communication. Encourage your partner to express their thoughts, feelings, and needs, and actively listen with empathy and understanding. Choose curiosity over judgment.
3. Practice Emotional Regulation: Learn healthy ways to manage your emotions. This enables you to respond rather than react, fostering a calmer and more compassionate connection.
4. Seek Professional Support: If you're facing significant challenges in your relationship or struggling to overcome barriers to connection, consider seeking the guidance of a marriage and family therapist. They can provide insights and tools tailored to your specific needs.

With increased understanding of ones past and how it impacts ones present, partners can begin to expand their understanding of themselves and each other. Their connection to themselves grows AND their connection to one another grows.

Books:

Hold me tight- Sue Johnson

Attached- Levine & Heller

Why do I do that? - Joseph Burgo

Games: The And by skindeep

Written by: Leslie Vriesman, LMFT