Human Connection: The Choice to Hurt or to Heal

1) “I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.” 

2) “I wish I hadn't worked so hard.” 

3) “I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.” 

4) “I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.” 

5) “I wish I had let myself be happier” 

You’ve maybe heard of the top regrets of the dying.* While it may not be obvious, I’d invite you to consider that each of the top 5 all have to do with relationships - our connection to others. What is this great longing we as humans collectively feel around how we connect with each other? For most, learning of these top regrets of the dying brings a shift in perspective, sometimes so powerful that we finally speak our truth to a loved one, we tell someone what we really want, or we declare our dream and that we’re moving towards it. 

Ask anyone who’s coexisted with others in any sort of attempt at human connection and they can confirm it: relationships are not always easy or simple. Whether we think of a family situation of any type, friendships, romantic partnerships, or business partnerships we can all agree that human relationships can be the source of our greatest fulfillment and accomplishment, and can also sometimes be the source of our greatest challenges and pain. The power of relationships and what they can bring to our quality of life and fulfillment is no small thing. So how do we make the most of the power of relationships and spare ourselves the regret of wishing we’d done something different? Allow me to share a personal story. 

I can recall a time many years ago when I shared some relationship woes with a friend. It was a time when it seemed I wasn’t being respected and loved like I wanted and felt I deserved. This was apparent in friendships, personal relationships and a potential romantic relationship that was brewing. I had a lot of complaints of emotional turmoil and thankfully my friend was willing to listen and offer some support. After listening to me express one thing after another, almost exhausting myself, I finally paused and looked to her for some compassion and support. She took a brief moment as if to let something sink in and then looked at me warmly and shared something I’ll never forget. She said, “I once heard someone say that all the relationships we attract serve to either further wound us or further heal us.”

This struck me in a profound way! It was as if I had no conscious intention about whether the connections I was contemplating were serving to further wound or heal. But through that statement the power of choice became reawakened for me. I began to see connections in my life as opportunities to experience wholeness and healing. This perspective change brought some connections closer and stronger, and some it let naturally release. It was as if the intention for human connection to be healing rearranged my life, my relationships, my behavior and my priorities. 

Now I’ll be real, it wasn’t always easy. The stories I held of woundings were strong and I was tested by life after this realization. The familiar patterns of relationship dynamics I had attracted before still seemed to show up. And recognizing the patterns, I gradually made shifts towards healing through asking myself honestly although sometimes reluctantly: how would I engage in this connection if healing was my highest choice? 

Sometimes we’re willing to tolerate quite a lot being out of alignment. Whether this is learned behavior, a coping mechanism or a blind spot, I’ve found that life has its ways of making what needs addressing apparent. And when we make a choice towards healing, towards wholeness, we know what to do next to respond and handle any situation. 

Maybe some situations in your own experience are becoming apparent for you while reading this. I’d like to leave you with the invitation to take a moment to write down a few situations where healing, or the realization of wholeness, has been neglected in your life. Next, write out what wholeness would look and feel like in those situations - for everyone involved. Finally, envision how you would act, speak, feel, hold yourself if that wholeness was a fact now. Whether this inspires a healing action or graciously reveals a few more layers to work through, you can be assured that you’re taking the necessary steps now to not later regret what nearly all humans wish they did better before dying: connect.

Written by: Justin Froese

All the relationships we attract serve to either further wound us or further heal us. - Justin Froese